Our 20 week scan

20 week scan 

22nd May was our 1st 20 week scan, the day dragged by. The appointment wasn't until 3.20pm and the time dragged by. Kids where in school and i had to occupy myself until the time was near, so went into town had a look at few baby things then it was time to pick kids up. So brought them to my granny's for a bit as she watched them for me. Then got to the hospital just in time as the car park was full. Went inside and waited our turn, it wasn't that busy so didn't wait long, a middle aged lady done our scan, she was very nice. Asked all the usual questions and then i got up on the chair and they started. They done his head size and checked all his insides then onto the heart. I couldn't get over how big he'd grew from the gender scan. She took her while around his heart i started to panic, time went so slow all i could do was lie there and hope nothing was wrong. She was then done and asked me to sit up, she said that he was lying in a awkward position for her to look at all his heart, and we would need to go back a week later.
A week came round it was the 30th May the appointment was for 2.00pm so wasn't to long, i got the kids to school and then kept busy with housework, and off we went, my heart was going mad. I had sweaty palms and couldn't think straight, kept thinking there's something wrong. This time it was a different woman she had medium dark hair and said that there was a woman who had needed to do her training again in with us and if she could scan me? I said that was fine. we weren't as long this time as they only wanted to see his heart. I lay down on the chair and as soon as i seen him again i started to tear. That was my little boy, how could anything be wrong, he looked perfect. i could see they got what they needed but there was something. So i sat up and the woman said they couldn't get to see what they needed to see. My heart sank. Stuart and i looked at each other and she said i needed to go to a different hospital to see a heart specialist just as precaution for their records and it could take a few weeks for an appointment as they are very busy. We where sent home none the wiser about our boy and once i got home i read my file. couldn't read the writing very well, but it had a note about his 4 chambers in the heart. We didn't know what to think so we where still in limbo.
A few days later i had a phone call. i had an appointment really quick, i panicked and the whole time we waited on this appointment coming round i done nothing but think about my little boy and what was going on.

Finding out 

The day was here, we didn't know yet but it was going to be a bad day and one of the hardest to get threw. 8th June the appointment was for 2.00pm. The girls where still in school but needed picked up, so my mum lent a hand and picked them up and had them the day for us.
I remember in the car thinking to myself we will get down here and be 10 minutes as they just want a quick look at his heart and get a few photos of it for the hospitals records. We got there with a bit to spare so we where in no rush. It took us a while to find out where to go and what floor we where on. Got to the right place, there was 2 couples sitting, and more coming behind us. was a busy enough day but it was lovely, sun was shining it was warm, the warmest it had been. sitting waiting we chatted our usual shit to each other, for people who know me and Stuart we literally talk about anything. Then we where called. We seen this lovely women Edith and she brought us to see Dr Sands the specialist we had too see. He sat us down went threw my notes. You could tell by how he acted there was something. Stuart and i just sat there didn't know what to say. Dr Sands then asked us did we know why we where there. So we said it was something to do with the baby lying weird and needing photos of his heart. His reply sent me crying i will never forget it. He simply said "I'm sorry but the hospital have found a serious problem with your baby."
He just got that sentence out of his mouth my heart dropped i looked at Stuart he didn't know what to do, all i could do was cry. While i sat crying Stuart grabbed my hand and said it will be OK, and Edith got me a tissue and asked if we needed a drink we said no and i got up on the chair for the Dr to start the scan. We seen a tiny bit of him but then it went into detailed view of his heart. We had no idea what to be looking at. it just looked normal to us. Then Dr Sands showed us his chambers and how small one side of his heart was to the other. All i could think was he's not going to make it. All the time we will have with him is when hes born and then we will have to watch him die. That couldn't be happening to our little boy. So the scan was done, we sat altogether in the room and he explained what his heart was missing. The syndrome he has is Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome. Basically drew us a picture of how his heart has grew and what it means, but the most important thing was that he could be saved. So Edith took us to another room and talked to us in a bit more detail. Like the operations he will need and the odds of them working/saving his life. There was so much to take in that Stuart started to seem very pale, and he said he felt sick. So Edith got him a drink and he said his side started to feel tingly, i though to myself, shit hes going to have a heart attack. Dr Sands then came in and took his hand and checked his Bp, he then started to feel a bit better. That we got to go home. Walking threw the hospital seeing all the other woman pregnant and thinking about if they are going to have the same news or are they having a healthy baby was really hard. In the car park i looked at Stuart and said can you ring my mum and everyone to tell them i cant do it. I was still in tears. after that its pretty much a blare until we had to pick up the girls. We got to my mums took a few minutes and brought the girls home. That night was pretty much quiet. We didn't know how too handle it. We got in touch with a girl who has been threw the same thing that lives close to us. I asked her a few questions, anything i could think of, i couldn't sleep that night but after talking to her it helped me a bit. Things like why is a natural birth better for babies like ours? Did you go on to have more and if so do they have the same? This is our 3rd baby so we wont be having more, but i was curious as to why this has happened to him now why has something like this not effected my 2 girls? Why us basically. And i know there is no answer for that, but its something you think wouldn't happen until it does. You get pregnant and think about this healthy little baby you are going to have, and all things you have too buy and all the clothes you get too buy and its sort of snatched from you as you cant buy to meny clothes incase he's in hospital for a while and doesn't get the wear of them, and he might not get home to use a basket. I have everything in for him for when he gets home, but you cant go too mad as there's always that chance he might not come home, and its the hardest thing Stuart and i will ever have to do or face.